ETS公認トレーナーと勉強しよう!TOEFL iBT® テスト Web準備講座

学習者が書いたエッセイを、添削・アドバイスする「ウェブ公開授業」

ETS Authorized Propell Trainer・横川綾子先生
  • 横川綾子先生
  • ETS Authorized Propell Facilitator
  • 明治大学

みなさん、こんにちは。TOEFL iBT® テストWeb準備講座を担当するETS公認トレーナーの横川綾子(よこがわあやこ)です。今回は嬉しいご報告があります。モデル学習者のアイコさんが9月のTOEFL iBTテストで自己ベスト98点を達成し、目標スコアの89点を大きく超えました!初回受験からごく短期間で、20点以上スコアアップされた頑張りは見事です。その間、ライティングは16から22(自己ベストスコア)まで伸びたそうです。目標をしっかり定め、そこから逆算した課題を計画的にこなし、結果を出すアイコさんの努力を惜しまない姿に私も大いに刺激されました。

writing

第5回 ストーリーは便利な小道具

学習者のご紹介

今回の相談者:医学部1年生 女性
  • 大学1年生 医学部 アイコさん(仮名)
  • <現在の英語力>
    高校2年(3年前)に英検準1級を取得。長期留学等の経験はなく、第二言語としての英語と格闘中。Reading、Listeningに比べてWriting、Speakingが苦手。初めて受けた2014年5月のTOEFL iBTテストの結果は77点(R:27、L:19、S:15 、W:16)。2014年9月に受験したTOEFL iBTテストでは自己ベスト98点(R:28、L:29、S:20、W:21)にスコアアップ。
    <TOEFL iBTテストを受験する理由>
    1年後に北米の大学に留学を検討している。目標とするスコアは、89点以上(志望する大学の基準でWeb準備講座開始当時)。
    <TOEFL iBTテストの学習で困っている点や悩んでいる点>
    Speaking、Writingなどのアウトプットに時間がかかる。その他にはWriting の書き方の様式に関して、参考書と語学学校の先生の言っていることが微妙に違っているので、最低限従わないといけないルールと理想的なessayの書き方が知りたい。
    <留学したい理由>
    将来、海外(できればアメリカ)の大学院に進学を検討しているため、1年後に留学し、語学力を向上させたい。また、北米の大学でリベラルアーツを学んでみたい、というのも動機の一つ。
    <英語学習全般での課題や質問>
    Speakingの能力に不安がある。話すときもゆっくりで時間がかかる。また、発音が悪いのでできる限り矯正して、通じやすい発音にしたい。

 

今回は、前回アイコさんが書いた1つの事象に関する利点と欠点(advantage/disadvantage)を述べるタイプのエッセイのリライトに取り組んでもらいました。長所と短所を複眼思考で検討し、具体的な説明をもって読み手を説得していく、難度の高いエッセイです。ではアイコさんが書いてくれたリライト版を読んでみましょう。

エッセイのテーマ

Topic 2
Many students have to live with roommates while they go to school or university. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of sharing a room with someone as a student. Use specific details in your discussion.


多くの学生は、学校に通う間、ルームメイトと暮さなければならない。学生として、誰かと部屋を共用する利点と欠点について論じなさい。主張には、具体的な詳細を含めること。

エッセイ執筆のルール

  • 1. ブレーンストーミング(=自分の意見とその理由を考える)を十分に行う
  • 2. 使いたい単語・フレーズ・構文は事前にリサーチしておく
  • 3. スペルチェッカーは無効にしておく
  • 4. 書き始めたら辞書等は使わず、一気に書き上げる
  • 5. 構成は5パラグラフを基本とする
    (Introduction → Body1 Body 2 Body 3 → Conclusion)
  • 6. 最後に目視で校正し、必要な手直しをする

アイコさんのエッセイ

Q1
It is common for students to have a roommate when they go to school or university. There are at least one disadvantage and two advantages of sharing a room. The disadvantage is that it may be difficult for you to concentrate on studying, while the two advantages are having a chance to make a close friend and being able to learn how other people live.

First of all, you may have a lot of difficulty doing homework or preparing for tests if your roommate makes a lot of noise. For example, one of my friends is always quarreling with her roommate about the noise. She belongs to the rock-music club in the school and she plays the drum. She says that her roommate gets angry when she is tapping the table or singing the song. Although she claims that she is careful enough not to bother her roommate because she is just tapping the desk instead of playing the drum, her roommate is actually irritated partly because she has to study hard now in order to get good grades for the scholarship. Moreover, if they do not anything special, just because they usually stay up late, you won’t be able to sleep well. As you can see, roommates can make it tough to study.

I will look at the advantages of having a roommate now. As I said in the introduction, one of the two advantages of having a roommate is that it is possible that you get a close friend. Sharing a room means you spend a lot of time together, so as a matter of course, you can get to know each other well. You can learn from each other by talking about your daily lives and sharing information, such as what you did when you became homesick and information about school events. For instance, my aunt has been keeping touch with some friends who were her roommates when they were university students. She says that if they had not been her roommates, she could not have built such a close relationship with them. They would often stay up late and talk about their daily lives and future dream. Of course, it does not necessarily mean that your roommate becomes your best friend only because you share a room, however, it can be said that sharing a room provides you a better chance to get to know people in your school than living alone.

Finally, the other advantage of having a roommate is that you can learn how other people live and also how to live with them. If your roommate comes from a different country, he or she must have a different lifestyle from yours. Even if your roommate comes from the same country or even town as you, each family has their own particular rules which will be new to you. So you can learn about their way of life, how they think and how to live with them through the experience. Experiencing a roommate will help you develop the skill of having an ‘open mind’ which is really important when you get married and your spouse has a quite different way of living from you. In addition, such an open mind may also have a good influence on your future career, so it is beneficial that you acquire it while you are students.

In conclusion, though having a roommate may have disadvantages when it comes to studying, it gives you many other advantages which is far more useful, not only in being able to get a close friend and learn how other people live as well as learn how to live with them, but in how to have an open mind and perhaps how to be patient, both of which can be useful for your life in the future.
(635 words)

エッセイ添削例

It is common for students to have a roommate when they go to school or university. There are at least one disadvantage and two advantages of sharing a room. The disadvantage is that it may be difficult for you to concentrate on studying, while the two advantages are having a chance to make a close friend and being able to learn how other people live.

First of all, [let’s discuss the disadvantages.] you [It] may have a lot of difficulty doing [be difficult to do] homework or preparing [prepare] for tests if your roommate makes a lot of noise. For example, one of my friends is [belongs to the rock-music club in school and plays the drum, and she] always quarreling [quarrels] with her roommate about the noise [she makes]. She belongs to the rock- music club in the school and she plays the drum. She says that her [Her] roommate gets angry when she is tapping [taps] the table or singing [sings] the [a] song. Although she claims that she is [being] careful enough not to bother her roommate because she is just tapping the desk instead of [and not really] playing the drum, her roommate is actually [still] irritated partly because she has to study hard now in order to get good grades for the [a] scholarship.
Moreover, if they do not anything special, just because they usually stay up late, you won’t be able to sleep well. As you can see [Clearly], roommates can make it [can be] tough to study [if you have a roommate].

[In the second part of this essay,] I will look at the advantages of having a roommate now. As I said in the introduction, one of the two advantages of having a roommate is that it is possible that you [to] get a close friend. Sharing a room means you spend a lot of time together, so as a matter of course, you can get to know each other well. You can learn from each other by talking about your daily lives and sharing information, such as what you did when you became homesick and information about school events. For instance, m[M]y aunt[, for example,] has been keeping [still keeps in] touch with some friends who were her roommates when they were [from her] university students [days]. She says that if they had not been her roommates, she could not have built such a close relationship with them. They would often stay up late and talk about their daily lives and future dream[s]. Of course, it [your roommate] does not necessarily mean that your roommate becomes your best friend only because you share a room, however, it can be said that [, but] sharing a room [definitely] provides [gives] you a better chance to get to know people [someone] in your school than living alone [does].

Finally, the other advantage of having a roommate is that you can learn how other people live and also how to live with them. If your roommate comes from a different country, he or she must have a different lifestyle from yours. [, but] Even if your roommate comes from the same country or even town as you, each family has [the roommate will still have] their own particular rules [a different way of living peculiar to the family he or she comes from,] which will be new to you. So you can learn about their way of life, how they think and how to live with them through the experience. Experiencing [Having the experience of] a roommate will [also] help you develop the skill of having an ‘open mind’[. This] which is really important when you get married and your spouse has a quite different way of living [and thinking] from you.[, as well as possibly having] you. In addition, such an open mind may also have a good influence on your future career[.], so [Obviously,] it having a roommate is beneficial that you acquire it [a good experience to have] while you are [a] students.

In conclusion, though having a roommate may have disadvantages when it comes to studying, it gives you many other advantages which is [are] far more useful, not only in being able [beneficial. You will have the chance not only] to get a close friend and learn how other people live as well as learn how to live with them, but [also] in [to know] how to have an open mind and perhaps how to be patient, both of which can be useful for your life in the future [which is likely to help you in your private life and future career].

英文校正協力:Paul Strifler

横川先生からアドバイス

Q1
アイコさんのリライト版は600ワード超えの大作です。多く書けばそれだけ高い評価がもらえるわけではありませんが、30分という制限時間内に400~500ワード書ける筆力があれば、WritingセクションのIndependent Taskに関して心配することはそう多くないはずです。アイコさんは、時間さえあればこれだけのエッセイを書けることが分かりましたので、次回は初見のテーマについて30分の制限時間内に書き上げるTimed Writingに挑戦してもらうことにします。みなさんもエッセイを書くこと自体に慣れてきたら、テスト本番と同じ時間制限を設けた練習を取り入れることをお勧めします。

さて、このリライト版で最も改善された点は、「ストーリーが見える」ようになったことだと私は思います。アイコさんが一回目に書いたエッセイではifの多用が見受けられました。「もし○○なら、△△となる」という状況設定と想定結果を羅列しても、読み手には「本当にそうだろうか」「その証拠はあるのか」「○○なら、□□となるのではないか」といった疑問が残ることもあります。条件や状況を設定するifはここぞというときに取って置き、代わりに自分や知人の経験談をエピソード風に盛り込み、読み手の脳内にストーリーを再現してあげると、言いたいことが効果的に伝わります。以下の文を比較してください。どんな違いを感じるでしょうか。

A
For example, if your roommates are always talking in a loud voice, or if they listen to music on high volume, you cannot concentrate.

B
For example, my friend’s roommate loves rock music and listens to loud music almost every night. She says it is really annoying when she wants to study.


 
Aはルームメイトが出す騒音がいかに迷惑かを「説明」し、Bはルームメイトが出す騒音が迷惑な様子を「描写」しています。また、Aは「(そんな状況では)集中できない」と抽象的な表現に留まっているのに対し、Bは「(そんな状況は)勉強したいときに非常に迷惑だと彼女は言う」と具体的です。

抽象的な説明は読み手に様々な解釈の余地を残しますが、具体的な描写は解釈の幅を限りなく狭めます。少ない語数で言いたいことを効果的に書こうと思うとき、ストーリー(具体的な事実描写)はとても便利な小道具となります。アイコさんのリライト版では、ドラマーの友人を、静かに勉強したいルームメイトが迷惑に思っている状況がリアルに描かれていました。また、大学時代のルームメイトと交流を保っているおばさまの逸話もありましたね。この件は「若かりし頃、一緒に暮しながら培った友情を大切にしている女性がいる」というリアリティとなって、読み手に訴えかけます。毎回、丁度よいエピソードが用意できるわけではないものの、具体的な事実描写は、読み手の解釈の幅を狭めることで、書き手の意図をストレートに伝える効果を持つことは覚えておいてください。

抽象的な説明は読み手に解釈の余地を残すが、
具体的な事実描写は解釈の幅を狭める

ストーリー(具体的な事実描写)は、書き手の意図を伝える便利な小道具


いかがでしたか?私自身はルームメイトと数週間同居したことがありますが、深い友情を築くまでには至りませんでした。ルームシェアはライフスキルを磨くチャンスと言えるのかもしれませんね。では次回(第6回 30分で「出し切る」には)にお会いしましょう。

横川綾子先生
ETS Authorized Propell Facilitator
明治大学 国際連携機構 特任准教授
略歴:上智大学法学部国際関係法学科卒業、テンプル大学大学院修士課程修了(教育学修士)。実践的英語能力向上プログラムの開発・運営、海外大学・機関との学生交流及び学術交流の施策推進に携わる。
専門:TESOL(英語教授法)
著書:『アメリカ人なら小学校で学ぶ 英文ライティング入門』(アルク、2014)他
記事:『「話す」「書く」「聞く」「読む」試験で英語力(フォース)の覚醒』(アルク、ENGLISH JOURNAL 2015年10月号)他
TOEFL iBT Writing Section Scoring Guide
テスト構成
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